I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
