How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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