Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
