We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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