I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
