You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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