why didn't you poke me back
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod