I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
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I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked