One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
