Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
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