You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
