Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
