I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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