happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
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My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
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Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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