i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
