I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
