A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
