I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
