I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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