you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
