Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
