i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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