Ambien. No doubt about it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
