i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
