My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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