If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
