The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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