When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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