Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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