she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
