so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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