I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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