Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
