the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize