How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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