It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You have to summon your inner elephant
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
