Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
