I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
