they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
