I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
