So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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