If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
