I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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