I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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