did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
