you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I will be naked everywhere
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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