My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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