The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
