The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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