There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
