god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
