Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
