Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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