if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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