Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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