Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
