He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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