dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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