First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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