Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
